I consider myself a fairly self-assured and confident person. However, there is a situation in my life right now that brings out every insecurity and piece of self-doubt left over from high school.
There is a woman in my social circle who just doesn’t like me — and she doesn’t hide it.
She is not outright mean or even overly rude. But there are subtle clues that she isn’t a big fan of mine. For instance, I’ll approach a group of our friends, and she will look at me blankly while others greet me with smiles and hellos. Or she’ll bring up inside jokes in my presence, knowing full well I’m not in the know. Recently, when I bumped into her in the kitchen at a friend’s house, she gave me a tight, forced smile and kept walking. Would it have been so hard to make brief chit-chat about the hostess’ proclivity for throwing great parties? I have also noticed that if we are in a small group and a mutual friend is sharing a story, she will listen with rapt attention. When I speak, she’s scrolling on her phone.
I know, I know. Why do I care? But it’s driving. me. bananas. We have many of the same friends. If we like the same people and the same people like the two of us, shouldn’t that social mathematical equation mean she likes me too? After we socialize, I inevitably spend way too much time analyzing our interactions, trying to determine if I said anything offensive or obnoxious. I don’t feel the need to impress her, per se. But I still think about ways I could get her to like me more.
I understand that life’s ebbs and flows include friendships and acquaintances. We probably won’t always have such an overlap of friends. However, we live in a fairly small suburban town. Unless something dramatic happens, I am pretty sure she’s stuck with me for awhile.
I also fully recognize that I will not be everyone’s favorite person. I cannot please everyone, and not everyone will like me. Instead of focusing on toxic or uncomfortable relationships, I need to direct my energy into relationships that make me feel valued, happy, and loved. Like my fellow blogger Rachel, I think it’s important to have many different kinds of friends. I cherish my friends because they each make up my life’s story. They know the best of me, and they know the worst of me. And they stick with me because they are my people.
In my heart, I know this acquaintance is not one of “my people.” And I know this is OK. I know I should move on. But I just can’t help but feel a bit insecure and hypersensitive when I’m around her. Maybe I should pass her a note and ask her to circle yes or no to the question, “Do you like me?” Maybe that way I’d have a clear answer, face the actual rejection, and finally be able to move on.
Thank you for this post. I live this life as well and have for several years. I clicked this link hoping for answers but instead I’m here offering you support that you’re not alone, we’re not alone. 🙂
Chin up! We all know at least one mean girl who never moved past their Highschool mentality. Obviously the problem is hers because you are the one willing and wishing to make things better over and over again. Often it is jealousy that is at the root. I feel sorry for people who are hurting so badly that they feel compelled to hurt others. Killer her with kindness and it will become incredibly apparent after a while who the problem is. In the meantime look in the mirror and say” I am smart, I am funny, I am kind, I am beautiful and people like me!” After a few weeks you will feel like a whole new Lady. Life lessons learned.
Wow, well I certainly know who I would rather be friends with and it certainly isn’t the other woman. How rude of her! If it was me I’d just ask her directly if she had an issue that I wasn’t aware of. Maybe she thinks you don’t like her or some obscure reason so therefore is fiercely defensive with you. Strange but could be possible. You sound like a lovely woman and don’t let one persons actions make you feel anything but incredible. I hope you get to the bottom of it so that you can move on from the hurt this woman is causing you. As we get older we should be building others up not putting people down. Good luck to you xx
She sounds positively rude and immature. It wouldn’t kill her to just listen politely or say “Hello” as you pass each other. Maybe wouldn’t hurt for the mutual friends you have to say something to her about her rude behavior. While she doesn’t have to like you, she does need to be civil and polite if she chooses to hang out in groups you are a part of.