Your day-to-day existence is about as wild as para-sailing on the surface of the sun, and there is no respite, no escape. Within the last 24 hours you have picked up another human being, flipped him over, sniffed his butt, and yelled either, “No poops!” or, “Oh God, you stink.” You’ve said, “Come here and let me pick your nose.” You have been grateful for the sustenance provided by eating someone else’s leftover sandwich crust.
You, my friend, are the parent of a young kid, and social norms don’t apply to you. Rules of etiquette don’t apply to you, and dammit, sometimes the laws of physics don’t even apply to you either. (Example: I’m pretty sure I tore through the fabric of space-time the other day to get to my baby before she plummeted headfirst down the stairs.)
People who have never had young kids can’t fathom it. People whose kids have gotten past it have blocked the trauma. You are in it, and you are a parenting samurai armed with a cheese stick sword and a Boogie Wipe shield. Logic no longer applies. Nothing applies, least of all those hackneyed old sayings that people not embroiled in a diaper windstorm love to nod at and take comfort in.
But I want it. I want the little sayings. I want the comfort. I want them and I want them to make sense for MY world. So, I’d like to propose some rewrites to those old adages to make them more relevant to us, the ones in the sticky, smelly trenches. Us — the parents of young kids (POYK).
Silence is…
Non-parents of young kids: Golden
Parents of young kids: Indicative of a massive upcoming upholstery cleaning and/or plumbing bill
Children should be…
Non-POYK: Seen and not heard
POYK: Seen and heard by a babysitter while we are out at a bar
There is nothing as ______ as a child’s laughter.
Non-POYK: Joyful
POYK: Suspicious
Many hands make…
Non-POYK: Light work
POYK: A massive freaking mess
Cleanliness is next to…
Non-POYK: Godliness
POYK: Impossible (for good reasons)
If it ain’t broke…
Non-POYK: Don’t fix it
POYK: I’ll be pissed that I wasted $20 on a copay
One man’s trash is…
Non-POYK: Another man’s treasure
POYK: Going to end up in my toddler’s mouth
Curiosity…
Non-POYK: Killed the cat
POYK: Will probably kill this kid if I ever try to go to the bathroom by myself (or, God forbid, try to shower)
Better safe than…
Non-POYK: Sorry
POYK: On DCF’s radar
Stop and smell the…
Non-POYK: Roses
POYK: Diaper before you end up in a poop-up-the-back situation
The best things in life are…
Non-POYK: Free
POYK: Naps
Better late than…
Non-POYK: Never
POYK: Naked
The pen is mightier than…
Non-POYK: The sword
POYK: Absolutely any cleaning solution ever invented by humankind
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t…
Non-POYK: Throw stones
POYK: Invite us over
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I could read your stuff all day! This is hysterical and oh so true!
This is hysterical, all so very true! I want to read more!
Love it, What a great piece!
Ha ha… so brilliant and so true!
Hilarious! Keep em coming!
Loved this post and I still identify with all your rewrites even tho I survived these years somehow a long time ago. Matbe it is just PTSD like responses to the sometimes blood curdling screams I hear from another table while peacefully enjoying my dinner. The ever fond recall of a well executed stink eye by a young parent. Keep up the great work
Love, love, love ❤️ …….so funny…please write more….I need a good laugh 😂