Potty Training Your Toddler in 30 Easy Steps :: A Definitive Guide

Below is a step-by-step guide on how to effectively potty train your toddler. I am an authority on this subject because I am a mother of five and, clearly, an expert at potty training.*

*One of the above statements is a lie.

Potty Training Your Toddler in 30 Easy Steps :: A Definitive Guide

Step 1. Stop in diaper aisle. Mutter to self about flushing money down the toilet with each diaper purchase. Realize that diapers don’t actually come in any larger size before they begin to be labeled for adult incontinence. Side eye toddler.

Step 2. Prance to tiny underwear section. Feign ridiculous amount of excitement at the sight of BIG BOY UNDERWEAR! Dance around the aisle. Toddler is unimpressed.

Step 3. Gag at price tag on tiny underwear. Purchase 37 pairs.

Step 4. Put tiny underwear on tiny tush. Giggle with delight at how cute toddler looks.

Step 5. Mop up puddle. Put second pair of underwear on toddler.

Step 6. Show toddler toilet. Explain to toddler that you pee and poop in it, and then you get to flush it down.

Step 7. Chase terrified, shrieking toddler through the house, yelling, “But you LOVE to flush things down the potty! Remember the blocks?! The race cars?! THE ENTIRE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?!”

Step 8. Slip in puddle left by terrified toddler and skid across floor like an Olympic figure skater. Put third pair of underwear on toddler.

Step 9. Consider wine to end the longest day ever.

Step 10. Look at watch. Realize it is 10:30 a.m. Potty training began 10 minutes ago.

Step 11. Put diaper back on toddler and return to store. Purchase a $30 bucket labeled “Potty!” that makes flushing sounds. Toddler is unimpressed.

Step 12. Attempt to bribe toddler into sitting on tiny bucket with M&Ms in hand. Sit on bathroom floor eating M&Ms as toddler sprints away screaming.

Step 13. Place tiny bucket in front of the television. Beg toddler to sit on it. Give toddler M&Ms. Watch toddler fill tiny bucket with M&Ms.

Step 14. Clean pee off floor.

Step 15. Clean pee off TV stand.

Step 16. Clean pee off wall.

Step 17. Clean pee off of every surface except for tiny potty.

Step 18. Research potty training boot camps. Consider sleepaway potty training camp. Realize the site you found it on is satire. Grumble about satire causing wishful thinking.

Step 19. Mop up puddle. Launder pillows. Calm shrieking siblings. Put urine soaked sister in tub.

Step 20. Put toddler in 30th pair of underwear.

Step 21. Scrub urine off couch. Let toddler remain nude.

Step 22. Marvel at the amount of urine toddler produces. Research proper kidney function. Realize it is normal.

Step 23. Nickname toddler “The Sprinkler System.” Text husband pictures of fire hydrants labeled “THIS IS OUR SON. BRING HOME WINE.”

Step 24. Realize you may never leave the house again. Order greasy pizza for dinner.

Step 25. Apologize to bewildered delivery person for streaking toddler. Research whether urinating on front porches is acceptable in nudist colonies. (It’s not.)

Step 26. Have raucous celebration when toddler finally pees in potty. Enjoy full family dance party.

Step 27. Comfort sibling who slipped and fell in puddle of urine that resulted from too much celebrating.

Step 28. Assure siblings that toddler will not wear diaper to college. Research what percentage of college students actually go to university un-potty trained. (Sigh with relief when there is no research to support the query “Will my son walk across the stage and receive his degree in a size 15 diaper?”)

Step 29. Put toddler in diaper for bed. Drink wine.

Step 30. Repeat daily until potty trained. Results will vary. Process may take anywhere from one day to 18 years.

And there you have it. Take it from an expert. Potty training is simple.*
Easy pee-sy.

*No toddlers were actually potty trained during this process. Efforts are ongoing.