A few months ago I was at a neighborhood playgroup with a few other moms. One mom benignly commented to a new arrival and her toddler daughter, “I can’t believe how big she’s getting!” to which the second mom replied, “Yeah, I know, she’s really getting fat, isn’t she?”
We all jumped in to assure her that her daughter was not fat, she had an adorable toddler belly, and she looked absolutely healthy! The conversation moved on, but that little exchange stuck with me.
While I was initially aghast, I was quickly convicted that I’m not that far off from my friend.
I don’t worry about my daughter’s weight, because frankly, I think the toddler belly is adorable. But I worry about other things, if I’m honest. I worry about her hair always being a mess, or how her clothing looks, or how loud she is.
When I consciously think about it, I don’t actually care if her hair is a mess or her clothes don’t match. She’s 2! (Newsflash: Most 2-year-olds are loud and messy!) And she’s beautiful and fierce and perfect just as she is! But *subconsciously* I catch myself noticing and worrying about appearance far more for my daughter than for my sons. As awful as that sounds, I’m guessing I’m not alone in that.
When I analyzed these petty things, I noticed something important — it was almost always more about me than about my daughter.
I’m terrible at doing my own hair and always insecure about it, so when my daughter’s flies amok, I worry that I’ve failed her or that people will judge her based on my lack of skill. I don’t want her to struggle with the same insecurity that I feel, so I overthink it.
As a child, I was always told that I had too big of a voice for a girl, that I was loud and bossy. I was so self-conscious that I muted my own voice and still speak too quietly sometimes.
Here’s my point:
How we think about ourselves — our bodies, our personalities — affects how we parent our children, especially our daughters. At times it affects how we speak about them, and the things we criticize. But more often than not, it determines how they should view themselves by seeing and hearing how we view ourselves.
For the sake of those we love, we need to learn how to love and accept ourselves. It’s time to interrupt the script we continually cycle through: “Ugh, I’m getting so fat.” “I hate my thighs.” “My hair is a wreck.” “I wish I had her skin.” “Nothing looks good on me!”
It starts with noticing our own scripts, because some of it is so ingrained that we can barely see it. Where are you critical of yourself? What do you constantly find yourself commenting on about yourself? Where do you feel like you can never measure up?
And then we have the hard task of rewriting our scripts.
- For some of us, we need to silence our inner critic and not allow ourselves to verbalize our self-criticism. Tell that inner voice her opinion isn’t valid and she needs to stuff it, because you are a strong, capable woman who has the superpower of surviving on little sleep and the scraps left over from your toddler’s rejected dinner. If you can’t speak that truth for yourself, find a friend who can and schedule coffee, stat.
- For others, we need to reframe our self-loathing. “I’m thankful I was able to carry three babies, and my thighs are a small price to pay.” Or, “My skin might look like a high schooler’s, but my self-confidence has grown dramatically since then and I’m really grateful for that.” Look for gratitude and start there.
- And for still others of us, we have to take action to work on the areas of our bodies or our personalities that we’re not satisfied with. Book an appointment with a counselor. Set up a training session with a fitness coach. Join a gym that has great childcare. Make an appointment with a stylist to get a cute haircut that’s easy to maintain. (Why is it so hard to make this happen!?)
Because, friends, our daughters are watching, and we get the privilege of being their first model of what it looks like to be strong, beautiful, capable women. Women who like themselves, speak kindly to themselves and others, and don’t stagnate but actively pursue growth.
