130 pounds
This is the numerical value of what I’ve lost in the past year. If you break it down into the simplest terms, in the most basic way to understand, I have lost 130 pounds. For those of you who do better with visuals, that is 130 packages of butter. In the course of one year, I have lost the equivalent of an entire middle school boy.
The past year, though, simply cannot be described by a number. Don’t get me wrong — I’m incredibly proud of this number. There might be days where I wish it were a little higher and days where I still actually can’t believe it, but overall, this number is just a small piece of my life that has changed since last April.
I’m not sure I can even describe everything I’ve lost in the past year. My marriage ended. I don’t get to see my son every day. Any sense of safety and security flew out the window. I lost what I thought was a certain future.
One part of me celebrates what I have lost — 130 pounds! I have a newfound sense of confidence and self-assuredness that comes with feeling so much better about my body and health. I stop and look in store mirrors and don’t cringe at the reflection. Do I suddenly think my body is perfect? God, no. Do I think it’s possible to be beautiful and plus-sized? Of course! That was just never how I felt about myself. I don’t think beauty is equal to size, but I was never comfortable in my skin for a lot of reasons.
The other part of me grieves for what I have lost. Divorce was never a word in my vocabulary. I never expected to start my life over in so many ways at 34 years old. There are times when I feel so empty and hollow without my old life. I miss my son like crazy when he’s with his dad. I’m so much more confident in some ways, but so much more critical of myself in other ways. Processing these simultaneous feelings can be exhausting, and there are nights I hit my bed exhausted from the mental and emotional demands of every day.
I never would have guessed how this last year would have gone. So I definitely cannot even begin to guess what will happen over the course of the next year. Uncertainty is pretty much all I’m certain of.
