love-826934_1920

This week I went around the office asking my co-workers to free associate to the word “mom.” Responses I received included, “hard working,” “tired,” “selfless,” “babies,” “throw up,” “dirty diapers,” “no time,” and “crushed Cheerios everywhere.”

Not a single clinician at my psychology practice said phrases like, “is good at dancing,” “goes to book club on Tuesdays,” “has friends she sees often,” or “plays the harp.” This exercise reiterated how, as a society, we have come expect that moms put 100% into childrearing at all times. But this kind of attitude does not necessarily make the most effective and loving mom, and at times it can actually do the opposite. That’s why the clinician in me likes to remind people how important it is to remember themselves in the midst of kid chaos.

Being yourself and participating in activities you enjoy is always important, and although we often table this for the sake of our kids, ultimately it will be easier for you to be a happy and attentive parent and spouse when you have the things in your life that make you feel like you. This allows for more fun, and ultimately less resentment toward your kids, their teachers, and your spouse. So, if you were the “queen of sparkles” in your 20s, there’s no reason you can’t continue to enjoy sequins today, kids or not.

Not sure where to start? Here are some of my “go tos” for moms who want to revisit their favorite pastimes or just need some suggestions for self-care.

1. For fashion-oriented moms, I recommend Rent the Runway, where you can rent designer dresses and accessories at a wide range of price points. This makes it affordable to get a special something for any reason, or for no reason at all.

2. Love the spa? Not in the budget? Many massage and beauty schools offer low-cost treatments. I’ve heard good things about Cortiva in Watertown.

3. Aside from gyms and workout studios, there are several fitness meetups that serve all ability levels. These groups will help you get back into fitness while making friends and having someone hold you accountable (there is an entire “we missed you” page on the November Project website dedicated to listing all the members who did not show up for a workout for which they signed up).

4. If you’re interested in trying out mindfulness and meditation, many of the centers around town offer “pay what you can afford” classes and also offer occasional free classes to the public.

5. Try something new! Have you been wanting to join an interest group at your church or temple? Maybe you’ve always thought about trying paintball. Whatever it is, now is the time.

6. Get outside! There are so many great (free!) ways to get outside and have fun. Grab some girlfriends and get out for the afternoon to do, well, anything at all! You’ll get to focus on yourself and your friendships while doing something different.

So remember, however you do it, be a little selfish. Because when the focus is on mom, everyone wins.