I Didn’t Lose Friends — I Gained Friendships

As I prepared for motherhood, I expected to lose my friends.

In our confessional mom culture, I saw mom blog after mom blog run pieces that were essentially farewells from mothers to their friends. “I’m sorry to my gal pals, but my kids are more important,” read the headlines. “I can’t right now — I’m making memories,” said the Instagram post in a fancy script (you know, the kind that looks kind of blurry at 3 a.m. when you’re scrolling after a feeding).

The idea of losing friends didn’t bother me as much as it should. I’d always been an odd, lone duck. Most people now know me as outgoing, but earlier in my life, my extrovert nature mixed with awkwardness in an era where that wasn’t cool. I was the weird talkative girl who wanted to chat about quarterback rating. No one knew what to do with me, so I didn’t have a whole lot of friends.

Once I moved to the Boston area, I had finally found my people and made quality friends. But, as new-mother-me looked at the blog posts, I prepared myself to never have friends again. They won’t get that you can’t go out for a beer! They won’t get that you won’t drop everything to help them through their troubles! Yes, new mom, you are doomed to a life now full of spit up and devoid of your current friendships.

Well, nearly four years in, I’m here to tell you that you don’t lose friends; you gain friendships.

My childhood best friend and I have known each other since we were three, but our relationship has had its ups and downs. She had her first child a few years before I had mine, during a time when I thought I would never have my own. I wasn’t sure what to say or do, and given that I was struggling myself, I wasn’t in a frame of mind to figure it out. I was an awful friend.

When I had my first son, she was the friend I hadn’t been. She was eager to provide advice — and it was the first great actionable advice I received. A card showed up at my door with a Dunkin’ gift card, reminding me to take time for myself and get a coffee. She checked in on me, answered my odd questions, and kept me company via text even though we live hours apart.

Other friendships strengthened as well. Some friends who became parents around the same time would text and call about developmental stages and daycare selections. They became those friends you could text at any time of day about anything, like, “Do you know a sippy cup that doesn’t leak?” and “What are you sending in for daycare lunch?” My sister and I became amazingly close, with her regularly checking in on her “smalls” (what she calls my sons) and wanting to make sure I was keeping my head above water.

Sure, I lost friends. People faded away who thought they didn’t have anything in common with me anymore. That makes no sense, because what I love and who I am didn’t completely change. I still love sports and tell long-winded stories. I still drink too much coffee and laugh awkwardly. I am still me, just with kids added. The loss of those people from my life didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, because what I lost in quantity of friends, I gained in quality of friendships.

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