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I got my first real taste of obstinate misbehavior when my son turned 3. Whoever coined the term “terrible twos” never had a 3-year-old, because when my son crossed the chasm between 2 and 3 he became a boundaries-be-damned, hairpin-trigger, tantrumming mess faster than you can say, “Whose idea was it to have kids, anyway?”

In this post I talked about the difference between ethical misbehavior and obstinate misbehavior. Obstinate misbehavior is the kind that may be truly insanity inducing to parents but ultimately doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s tantrums in grocery stores over a candy bar, kicking a ball in the house, and having a fit over bedtime.

Here are seven tricks I’ve learned in the past year that have spared me many a sleepless night and embarrassing store trip. Most importantly, I’ve noticed a real change in my son. He passes the marshmallow test much more easily these days, he feels comfortable talking things out with me, and, ultimately, he’s an emotionally healthier kid.

1. Let him experience the bad feelings without putting something between him and the bad feeling

If I put my son in his room for time out, it’s the door that’s the enemy, and the only goal becomes getting out of the door. He loses sight of the reason he is in his room to begin with. Instead, if I let him experience the upsetting emotion and realize that the cause is in his head — and that he won’t get out of it by kicking or screaming — he has to learn a way out of that feeling.

2. Talk to him about appropriate ways to deal with bad feelings before misbehavior happens

Hitting a pillow is OK. Having “alone time” (basically child-driven time out) is OK. Using words to tell me how he feels is OK. It opens the door for discussion and gives him ways to get his physical frustrations out without hurting anyone. The key is to talk about these things when he is open and receptive, and to simply remind him of those coping mechanisms during a tantrum. I practically did a backflip when my son said, “I wanna hit a pillow!” while in tears over something like his sippy cup being the wrong color.

3. Listen more than talk

Even if it sounds like toddler gobbledygook, there’s usually something behind what my son is trying to say — if I let him work through it. Most times, it helps just to repeat what he says so he knows I hear him. Re-stating his case and then telling him why I say no does three things: 1) It tells him I hear him and his feelings are valid and respected. 2) It takes away his ammunition by acknowledging his reasoning. 3) It teaches by example that listening to people is important.

4. Redirect, redirect, redirect

Have you ever been so upset about something that, at a certain point, you’re upset because you’re upset? I know I have. Sometimes you get into a bummer spiral and need help to pull yourself out. When I know my son has lost sight of the original problem and is just worked up into a tight wad of upsetness, I redirect. I try to get him excited about something, or guide him toward something he likes to do, or ask him for help with something. Many times, it helps him let go of the bad feelings.

5. Make it fun

My kid never, never wants to get ready for bed. Getting ready in the morning is nothing compared to the struggle at bedtime. What works for me is to make up a game. “Don’t want to put your PJs on? What if you have to run around the kitchen island as fast as you can, then come tag me to get each piece of your pajamas?” “Don’t want to brush your teeth? What if we play dentist and you can brush mine first and then brush your own?” Put yourself in your kid’s shoes. This stuff is BORING. Save yourself many a headache and try to make it fun when you can.

6. Reward desired behavior

Reward your kids for good behavior like sharing, compromising, and listening, even just with proud words. “Great job getting ready for bed tonight. I’m really proud of you.” Or, “You really tried hard to eat all your green beans, even though I know they aren’t your favorite. That’s super-good manners.” Recognizing effort to be good goes a long way. Children crave parental approval, making it a terrific motivator.

7. Offer affection

Sometimes, people just need a hug. I’ve noticed that an act of physical affection at the right time can completely 180 a fussy 3-year-old. I suspect that it’s because the physical affection negates the need for other attention-getting techniques (often undesirable behavior).

My kid is far from perfect and definitely has his moments. He still does tantrum and push boundaries, but the tricks outlined above have helped us find a common language with which to deal with misbehavior, and they’ve given us detours around tantrums before they happen, ultimately avoiding the need for punishment as he learns the self-discipline that will be so critical in adulthood.